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Eve Tahmincioglu

Primary author Eve Tahmincioglu has been covering small business and entrepreneurship for more than a decade. She regularly writes about small business issues for the New York Times and BusinessWeek's SmallBiz magazine. She also writes the Your Career column for MSNBC.com. She is the author of "From the Sandbox to the Corner Office."



Mommy homework?

Posted: Friday, October 19, 2007 7:11 AM by Eve Tahmincioglu
Filed Under: , ,

Talk to me people. How do you jibe work and family? Sometimes I want to pull my hair out.

When you work for yourself you can’t just pass along an assignment to a coworker or have a manager lend you a hand. You can’t even put off work. Well, you can, BUT YOU WON’T GET PAID!

This past week, with a ton of work bearing down on me, I almost lost it when my son came home with a note from the teacher.

I understand having to help your child with schoolwork and projects, but this week I got a homework assignment from my kid’s kindergarten teacher. I’m not kidding.

A small girls runs through a pumpkin pat
Robyn Beck / AFP/Getty Images

The theme of the week at school was “The Pumpkin”, and to help all the little tikes explore the orange gourd at home parents were asked: “If possible this week, find and prepare a recipe that includes pumpkin.”

OK, I know it says, “if possible”, but this is the kind of stuff that gets parent guilt juices going. Why shouldn’t I prepare a pumpkin recipe for the son I brought into the world? How come I don’t have time to explore the pumpkin-ness of life with my little budding Einstein? (I’m shooting high.)

But I didn’t have time. And who the heck bakes anyway. Add to it that I never cooked anything with pumpkin before. I did roast pumpkin seeds once but I figured that would be cheating.

So, I had to find a recipe, and then bake something that was edible. I figured it should be at least marginally edible so my son could get something out of it. But I’m not a baker, at all. I like throwing things together in a pot willy-nilly. Baking requires the mind of a chemist. Flunked that.

My seven-year-old daughter was able to lend a hand by remembering how much she loved her aunt's pumpkin cookies. Aha, I thought, and quickly called her for the recipe.

Believe it or not, I had most of the ingredients, EXCEPT THE PUMPKIN.

Just about this time, a colleague of mine sends me an email with a YouTube video of a mom who sings about child overload to the William Tell Overture:

“Talk about streamlining work-life balance,” Amy says in her email. 
 


I laughed for a while and found comfort in the fact that other people are also pumpkined out.

Let’s face it, moms end up carrying most of the weight at home, even if they run their own businesses. Look, I have a very liberal/helpful hubby who does more than most, but I am sick of moms always getting the “Snack Mom” label.

We’re supposed to do all the home-economic stuff. It’s expected. But we need to start expecting the same from our male counterparts. 

 I’ve been trying to launch a campaign to create a new classification, “Snack Dads.” Come on folks, women and men have to unite to get this off the ground.

My husband Andy did go out and get the canned pumpkin for the cookies. Alas, he bought pumpkin pie filling, which is loaded with a bunch of other ingredients and wouldn’t work for the freakin cookies.

So, after dinner I went to the supermarket and picked up extra cans of pumpkin just in case.

I was too tired to make the cookies that night, but my daughter, again being “helpful”, told me we could “make the cookies tomorrow because there’s no school.”

“WHAT?” I yelled.

Turns out the school district had planned a “professional development day” and I had no backup babysitter.

I went back and replayed the video.

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Comments

I think we could get a lot more traction for the idea gender neutral “snack parents” if schools realized that requests with short deadlines were exacerbating a time crunch (how and when am I going to find the time) rather than enriching time with our kids.

I also think that we can let the teachers know while we want to help sometimes we can’t in the way they expect. Instead of reverting to baking stereotypes, maybe together we can come up with some fresh ideas.

Amy, Southwestern, CT (Sent Friday, October 19, 2007 11:14 AM)

Dad here,

What Eve does not know is that I deferred the buying decision to my children while we were in the supermarket.  (Yes, I took the kids with me, hoping mom would appreciate a 'break', although I'm told I should not look at it this way -- but that's a whole other topic.)  The way I saw it I was re-injecting the children back into the Great Pumpkin Project.  Alas, I had chosen the wrong 'man' for the job -- he does not read yet, I simply pointed him to the cans of pumpkinness, not realizing there is more than one kind, and let him have at it.  Lesson learned, next time I have my daughter do the reading.

Andy (Sent Friday, October 19, 2007 11:36 AM)

If a parent dosen't have at least a couple of hours each day dedicated to their child.  They should look at changing their lives. How can anyone raise a child and not have time for them.

John, Columbus, Ohio (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 9:41 AM)

My wife works 3 days a week while I run my own business. I work 45-55 hours a week. In the morning, I feed the kids, make lunch for myself, my wife, and our daughter in pre-school. I clean up the playroom, make the kids beds, and then spend 5 minutes getting myself ready. I take my daughter to pre-school and the nanny usually picks her up. I am the one that relieves the nanny at the end of the day. We usually share the cooking responsibilities, but I end up doing the dishes and cleaning up. When that is done, I bathe my oldest daughter while my wife puts the baby to bed. At the end of my night, usually around 9:30 PM, I log on to my computer and work as I am the primary bread winner. When the kids need to go to the doctor or if the nanny is sick, I am the one that is responsible on the days (3 days a week) that my wife works. We have cleaners so we usually just pickup on the weekends. However, I am responsible for all yard work as well as car maintenance. Oh, I was the one who was up feeding the babies in the middle of the night, even when my wife was on maternity leave. My wife sometimes tells me that I don't do enough to help her out...
-Dad

Dad (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 10:06 AM)

You need to slow down and make time for your kids.  Both parents have to be involved in their child's educational process.  You should be volunteering in the classroom and helping with some of the activities.  Being a parent today is a lot of work.

My daily schedule consists of the following:
4:00 a.m. - Go to the Gym
5:45 a.m. - Help wife prepare breakfast
6:00 a.m. - Wake kids (3) and prepare for day
6:30 a.m. - Leave for work
7:00 a.m. - 5 p.m. Work
6:00 p.m. - Help with dinner and homework, go to nightly activities (cub scouts, karate, etc.)

My wife is just as busy.  She works full-time also, but always finds time for school activities.  Today it takes two involved parents to raise kids.  You must spend time with your kids.    

Don Pedersen, Bakersfield, CA (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 10:42 AM)

My wife and I have a 2 year old.  I work 45 hours a week at one job 6pm to 6am.  On my days off I work another 12 hours a week during the day time.  I do all the repairs to the house, take car of the cars, lawn work, and spend as much time with my wife and son.  I also take care of the family e-mail gift shopping, paying bills online, and computer maintance.  This all adds upto more work for me than my wife who also works full time 40 hours at only 1 job but is never enough for her.  It all comes down to the fact that all day and night my wife hears other people talk about how lazy men are and then decides it must be true of all men including me without ever checking the facts.  There is no amount of work that a man can do to make most women feel as if things are even.

Bryan, Dallas TX (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 11:59 AM)

You all have got to be kidding - nannies, paid housecleaning!  Try doing it all yourself and tell me I have to make time for my kids!  The bottom line is you just do the best you can in the situation you have.  Don't tell parents what they "have" to do.  I drive all around to keep my kids in decent schools - not private school, but school where the majority of the students speak English and aren't on the lunch program.  I have them involved in activities, but boy, would I love to find an hour to myself when the gym is open - good thing for 24 hour Walmart or I'd never get the shopping done - it has become the American Way??

Lee, Tampa, FL (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 12:48 PM)

The note said, "If possible....".
Give the teacher and school some credit...they are working parents also and they understand the time crunch we working mothers face.    
Give up on being the super-mom, give up on trying to do it all.  Feel good about yourself and what you can contribute and enjoy every precious moment with your family.  It doesn't have to be a stressful trip to the market...take them to the park instead and point out a pumpkin or two along the way.        

Working Mom, Houston, TX (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 1:15 PM)

Wow - Just say no to the pumpkin. Guilt over not being supermom/superwife/super success is something you will either have to learn to deal with, or you will certainly depress yourself & drive your family crazy over silly things like pumpkin cookies. When it is not really that important, learn to settle for "all I can do is all I can do". Keep this in mind too, what kind of example are you setting for your kids.  Would you really advise your daughter to be totally self-sacrificing to the point where she is killing herself trying to make everyone happy except herself. Also, let me tell you that if you train kids that you'll drop what you're doing and always place their interests ahead of yours, don't think that idea will transform suddenly when they are 15 or even 25.
By the way, having mistakenly bought pumpkin pie mix myself, the pumpkin bread was dense and somewhat unsightly, but still edible.

Sabrina, Allentown, PA (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 2:10 PM)

Eve,
Here is our life:
I own my own consulting/marketing business. My wife works in Hospital admin, full time. We have a child. We have a large Airedale Terrier. And NO TIME.
I am super resentful if I have to spend 2 hours with my 12 year old, to help her with homework. Teachers...get a grip! Teach in school. Parents are really busy, and it usually takes 2 incomes to keep ahead of the game.
I Love my child. I enjoy helping. But not for 1-3 hours nightly.
My parents did not help with homework.
The educational system needs to adapt here.
Joel Libava
The Franchise King Blog

Joel Libava,Cleveland, Ohio (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 3:03 PM)

To the one who said "If a parent dosen't have at least a couple of hours each day dedicated to their child.  They should look at changing their lives. How can anyone raise a child and not have time for them" try raising children and owning a very modest home on one salary!!  Everyone does the best that they can with their children and to judge others when you don't walk in their shoes is wrong. Dual income families are not just because a woman "wants a career", for me it was a matter of food and shelter.

mary ann, union, nj (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 3:04 PM)

I know exactly how Eve feels. My first-grade son recently came home with an assignment to "build a scarecrow wearing clothing appropriate to your child's favorite setting." This on top of doing nightly homework assignments and studying for the weekly spelling test. That's not to mention all the other paperwork they send home asking me to volunteer to be a class mom / library assistant / field trip chaperone / fundraiser. How am I supposed to do all that, cook him a healthy dinner, feed him, talk to him about his day, give him a bath, prepare his lunch and bookbag for the next day, read to him, and put him to bed, all between the hours of six and eight every night? That's not including all my other responsibilities. I'm a single mom doing the best I can, and I feel guilty all the time, because I have to work--I have no choice. And because of that, I just can't do it all.

Stephanie, Tampa, FL (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 4:36 PM)

Wow - there are some very defensive dads out there. Don't worry most moms are completely grateful for all of your hard work. My husband and I split the kid projects - I gather all of the info and he puts them together, I cook - he counts and packages that sort of thing. Our school is very good about letting us know ahead of time for projects - they post them on the class website HOWEVER our school in CA used to spring projects on us at the last minute - talk about stress - have you ever tried to find 100 of the same object for a kindergartner's report? (we did jelly beans at 10:30 at night- I counted, dad double checked and the kid bagged them the next morning)

anna, vancouver, wa (Sent Tuesday, October 23, 2007 4:38 PM)

All I know is that I am expecting a new baby.I already have two wonderful children ages 10 and 7. I thought my husband and I were finshed, but God had other plans.Now we are having a very hard time paying our bills.My doctors appointments, just everyday living, and Im so scared. I need someone to talk to.we cant get an help.

Audria Baker River Oaks Texas (Sent Sunday, October 28, 2007 2:15 PM)



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