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Eve Tahmincioglu

Primary author Eve Tahmincioglu has been covering small business and entrepreneurship for more than a decade. She regularly writes about small business issues for the New York Times and BusinessWeek's SmallBiz magazine. She also writes the Your Career column for MSNBC.com. She is the author of "From the Sandbox to the Corner Office."



Why overcoming a tragedy really matters

Posted: Tuesday, August 26, 2008 9:33 AM by Eve Tahmincioglu
Filed Under: ,

Ever since Barack Obama announced Joe Biden would be his running mate, almost all of the news stories about the U.S. Senator from Delaware have mentioned the personal tragedy he experienced early on in his political career.

In 1972, shortly after he was first elected to the Senate, Biden lost his wife and infant daughter in a horrific car crash that also seriously injured his two young sons.

That's the sort of tragedy that would likely derail anyone's career ambitions, but somehow Biden persevered.

I've always wondered why some people allow tragedy to destroy them, and others don't.

When I interviewed entrepreneurs and CEOs for my book "From the Sandbox to the Corner Office: Lessons Learned on the Journey to the Top," I devoted a whole chapter to how successful men and women in business overcome adversities.

How did they do it?

Truly Nolen, the founder of Truly Nolen Pest Control, contracted polio when he was 23 years old and ended up in an iron lung.

Nolen said he was shaken out of his self-pity by a reality check:

"I started feeling sorry for myself, but I was able to get over it by seeing other patients that were worse off than me," he said. "I remember a guy I went to high school with who also had polio, but ended up paralyzed. I began to think I was pretty lucky."

Stanislas de Quercize, CEO of jewelry company Van Cleef and Arpels, lost an infant son to sudden infant death syndrome.

The experience sent him into shock, but somehow he was able to come to terms with his loss and eventually came to see his son's death as "a call for being more alive, taking more risks."

This type of resilience seems Herculean. I've known so many people who were never able to bounce back from their adversities, but the inability to do so can spell doom for your life, your career and your business.

I know you can't just offer a canned tidbit of advice when it comes to resiliency, but I felt compelled to ask some experts about what separates those who bounce back from those who never do.

"What we find in our work supports the conclusion that letting go and finding new goals is just as important for successful living as persistence," explains Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor in the psychology department at the Centre for Research in Human Development at Montreal's Concordia University.

When it comes to a fundamental loss, such as the death of a loved one, he offered a "purely theoretical" take on why some are able to go on:

"The capacity to accept and to find something new that is personally meaningful may make a difference in such situations," he said. "This may channel energy and thoughts toward new endeavors and it may make the situation more bearable."

Larry Winget, author of "It's Called Work For A Reason" and "You're Broke Because You Want To Be," offers a different theory:

"Some people fold after a tragedy because they have a victim mentality -- they approach bad things with the mindset that it is happening to them personally rather than the idea that bad things just happen and they happen to be involved," he said.

"When you allow yourself to be victimized by tragedy you have a tendency to spiral downward until you are crushed by it," Winget added. "When you understand that the bad things that happen are rarely personal, then you realize that it isn't what happens to you that matters as much as what you do about what happens to you."

It's all about choices, Winget stresses, and those who survive "make a choice to move on."

I suppose the big question is how you muster the strength to move on.

Have any of you faced tragedy? Were you able to move on? Would you be able to move onward and upward with your life or your career if something unthinkable were to happen?


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Comments

In February of this year, I lost my 23 year old daughter, Heather, to brain cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle with the disease. I returned to work one week after her funeral and have been amazingly doing OK. I know deep in my being that Heather would be disappointed in me if I had given up or succumbed to my grief. During her illness she always encouraged me to be strong (while she was the one suffering) and would get angry with me if I gave up on life. I learned a lot from her bravery during many surgeries and rounds of chemotherapy. I feel empowered now to carry on with my life and keep going forward in spite of out tragedy. Yes we are sad and cry often and miss her terribly, but we do move on and appreciate every day as a gift.

Holly Caron, Winslow, Maine (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 3:16 PM)

I lost all four od my children to SIDS. I realized that if I was not allowed to have them physically in my life that God had a higher plan for my children. Now I know when I am at my lowest moment that I have 4 stars watching down on just me. Thank you Abigail, Darnardo,Leland and Patricia--Mom and Dad adore you!!

Carol, Seattle, WA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 3:24 PM)

I have, I am 45, and been through some very trying times in the last 5 yrs. Got divorced 5 yrs. ago. Found the love of my life over 2 yrs. ago. My grandmother died last Sept.and my granfather died this July. My boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident Aug. 1st. I just try to find things to stay busy with, spending time with my children, my parents and my friends. I feel everyone has their time to go, and mine hasn't come yet. I try to live life to the fullest now.

Kayla Bush, Newark, OH (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 3:27 PM)

We lost our daughter at a young age with a heart problem. Sure we all have had life-saddened issues cross our path. We all move past it, and move on with our lives, but never forget our loved ones. Since when is Biden so "special" with his problems?

Rick James (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 4:05 PM)

I have had a series of tragedies, including deaths of 4 siblings, 3 nephews, 3 children of my niece and her husband, my own divorce, my mother's Alzheimer's and the subsequent disintegration of the family over how to care for her, a rift at work where I lost long-term friendships, my job's withdrawal of tuition reimbursement after I invested 5 years working full time and going to college half-time, which devastated me as I was unable then to complete my education and get my degree and be the first one of the 10 of us to earn a college degree, and I had a couple of failed 6-month relationships that hurt me a great deal. Since then, my agoraphobic sister's husband died, who had cared for her, and now the family is helping her.  Gradually the family has healed with some lingering distrust, but we love each other and that love has won out. For a time, I ran away from it all, kept moving farther and farther away and finally had to move back due to my job. I spent several years closed off from friends and family. Moving closer was my unconscious way of rejoining life. I look at the Kennedys and all they have endured over the years. They are my inspiration. After my last move, I found a community and church I love and for the past two years have volunteered a week in Mississippi with Habitat for Humanity to help those less fortunate than myself. My best friend passed away in February, but through Habitat, I have found another friend who, thank God, is helping me laugh and enjoy life and is a marvelous person. Sometimes we just have to go off and lick our wounds and, with faith in God and eventually ourselves again, we pick ourselves up and find our way.  Life is not for wimps and it is true that only the strong survive. We don't know we're strong until life makes us prove it. No one wants to endure what we are forced to endure. When I went skydiving on the anniversary of my first sister's death, someone asked me if I had a death wish.  I said "No, I have a life wish."  And that, I think, says it all. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. What's the saying about 90% of life being just showing up?  There it is.

Rita See (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 4:26 PM)

I lost my father a month ago after his 2 1/2 year struggle with brain cancer.  People are surprised at our family's positive attitude and have said they especially admire my mother's apparent peace with his demise.  We have gone on with our lives and spend as much time possible with each other.  I believe being able to move on has to do with my father and mother's less than perfect family background and how they dealt with it.  Even though both came from homes that were almost destroyed by each respective father's alcoholism, it appeared to not affect them at all.  In  fact they spoke of it openly as if it happened to someone else.  My mother often described how in childhood, she came home to an empty house, after their father had sold the furniture to buy alcohol.  And then there was the time my father witnessed his father die of Cirrhosis in his sister's arms.  They proved that you can make choices and most importantly create a destiny that breaks the supposed cycle of misery.  How do I deal with it?  The answer is quite simple and reflects how I see my father's life - 'If you are brave and strong enough, always move forward and fill your life with so many other experiences that the bad one's are weakened as they get absorbed into the mix'.

Adrian Ruiz, Vienna, VA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 4:31 PM)

 it's very admirable and also very true what senator Biden says,,,loss is very difficult to deal with... a measure of a man is his ability to bounce back from adversity...

i went through a bad divorce (you name it) every rotten thing you could think of has been involved...i have found absolutely no resolve in our system or tolerance for the truth and really an unwillingness for it... just my own belief that there is justice and truth...and it has hurt...many powerful people insisted on other peoples suffering for there own lively hoods...many people suffer needlessly on the promises of others... there is an old saying...never kick a man while he is down... the human spirit will allow heeling...change is needed to end a lot of indiscriminate suffering we all go through... whether that change will come from the powerful remains to be seen...what is need is real effective change not just sound bites...

Patrick

patrick legg,morgantown wv (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 4:45 PM)

I'd like to know the depths of despair from which Larry Winget is speaking.  He speaks so matter of factly about 'choices' as to whether or not to move on, that it makes me think he has not been down very deep.  'We are from where we come' and if the environment from where we came has not provided the experiences necessary to foster the 'capacity to accept' [Carsten Wrosch above], then I am afraid the struggle could be futile unfortunately for some.   IMHO and having been quite deep down into the depths of despair from loss, overcoming has nothing to do with conscious 'choices' and ALL to do with prior life's experiences and current support systems.  

Judy, Westchester, NY (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 5:17 PM)

I can remember at a young age back in the early sixties my aunt lost all six of her children in a house fire. To make matters worse she was outside of the home getting water from a community pump while they were napping.  She realized that all of the fire trucks that she saw racing down her street were actually going to her home.  Later as I got older she had another six kids, and my family would adopt one of them. I never forgot how she always seemed so strong and compassionate towards everyone. In some strange way I believe that her little angels actually gave her a certain type of peace that she carried until she passed away.  

John, Los Angeles CA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 5:36 PM)

judy is right. if your life experiences did not include making resilience a part of your being, then you're missing the parts to be so. after living a running, health-nut, athletic lifestyle for the bulk of my 55 yrs, i had a heart attack 9 months ago. i now have a stent and am on meds for life. my despair is constant and my spiral will end i don't know where. i just know i don't want to accept it. the part of me that should want to is not there.

chuck s. San Francisco, CA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 6:40 PM)

I lost two baby girls ( one year apart) after being pregnant for a little bit over 5 months both times. The most recent happened this past January.  I am still hurting but I went back to work two weeks after....that was very hard. It's still hard to see friends, family or aquaintances for the first time since the miscarriage because it brings back the raw emotions.  Most people are considerate and try not to dewll on it.  
Sometimes I make references to the time I was pregnant and I can see the shock on faces because they don't expect me to bring it up.  Butt it's those great times during the pregnancy that I hold on to sometimes for comfort.
I know I want childeren but sometimes I feel afraid of the pain of losing another would totally break me. But I am keeping hope alive for a happy ending.
I know I CANNOT let these experiences break me, I know I have to live for Alexandria and Meredith because they never got the chance.

Dawn Brule, NY, NY (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 6:54 PM)

How 'bout the flip side?  Perhaps he should have not taken the oath of office by his son's bedside and said, "You know what, I just lost my wife and daughter, and I'm a 29-year-old single father.  Being a Senator--and satisfying my ego--can wait."  And, what's up with being remarried just 5 years later?

Chris, Massapequa Park, NY (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 7:45 PM)

When I suffered a grievous loss, I considered that there were others also suffering, perhaps more.  I felt a part of them and not so alone.  It was simply my time to hurt, which is part of being alive.  Secondly, I thought only of what I still had left in my life, not what I had lost.  Those two things kept me going.  And still do.

Carol, Philadelphia, PA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 8:02 PM)

I was engaged to marry the love of my life after dating him for 8 years and we had to postpone the wedding so that I could go through cancer treatment. Six days before our second anniversary he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He died a month before what would have been our third anniversary. Two months later I had a bad car accident that wasn't my fault. Then two years after that I had to sell the house and property that we had purchased together and put so much money and work into because I could no longer make the payments or afford the upkeep on it.  On top of that I left my job due to a reorganization.  I was so depressed for awhile that I cried all the time. Then I decided that now was the time to simplify and re-focus.  My husband would have been very disappointed in me if he had thought that I would be sitting around wasting my life because he was gone. If  you look around you will see that you don't have the market cornered on misery - it is very widely distributed.  I know that doesn't help sometimes especially at the beginning, but it is possible to move past it and move on with life......really do you have another choice unless you allow yourself to die with them ?  No loved one would want to see you do that.

Marianna Riker, Pleasant Prairie, WI (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 8:04 PM)

I lost my parents and my two sisters at the hands of HIV/AIDS. I've since become a speaker and an advocate for orphans. Sometimes tragedy introduces you to the potential you never knew you had.

Ajay Hamasukwa, Rolla, Missouri (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 8:12 PM)

I really hate the phrase "move on" after a loss.  I much prefer "keep going."  I don't think anyone ever really completely recovers from profound loss.   We just keep going, and I like what a previous post said about finding something new.  

Kimberley, Foster City, CA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 10:07 PM)

Hi Chuck -- you said it: "i just know i don't want to accept it." It sounds like you've had a good life, and you're still alive -- so you can move on whenever you decide to.
Think about it. Some people can't run because they're 20 years old and had their legs blown off in the Bush Wars. I imagine they don't want to accept it because I know I sure don't. But you see these guys on the news, finding a way to get on with their lives -- with courage and determination. I cry with grief and admiration every time I see them, and say a prayer for them and all the children whose legs have been blown off by stupid mines, and the parents whose legs and arms have been cut off by teenagers with machetes in stupid coups, and all the people who have suffered such horrors. Most of them find a way to accept the situation and find a way to go on living. You can too -- with faith and willingness to release your old ego and 'poor little me' attitude, and with determination to create your new life. This karmic event might just be your path to compassion and away from your egoism -- to be grateful for your good fortune and discover how strong you can be.
btw: I've faced tragedy too. I've never lost a child, thank God, and I don't know if I could get over it. But I've lost everything else, including myself. I know you have to face your situation, have faith in God's unity with you, and find the motivation to carry on.

Debbie, Summerland, CA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 10:19 PM)

Being alive for some years usually means that you will experience a great sadness of some sort or another, one that you will either never get over, or find it hard to do so.  It is a part of life to experience loss and see or experience suffering.  What you do about it or with it is what really counts.  May peace find all those who need and seek it.

Irene, Rancho Mirage, CA (Sent Tuesday, August 26, 2008 11:25 PM)

My husband and I lost our first child, first son when I was full-term and it was discovered during an ultrasound.  That was six years and 4 days ago to the date.   My husband lost his Dad 5 months earlier than that.  Our 5 year old son and 3 year old daughter are our living tributes to what joy life can bring.  Time has a way allowing us to accept the loss as does praying to "Kyle" every night.  We go to the cemetary a few times a year with the kids and they know they had a big brother.  Remembering is therapudic.  A good book that I would recommend to anyone grieving is, "When bad things happen to good people".

Amy, Mead, Wash. (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 2:58 AM)

I thought all of the stories about tragedy was heart felt. My second to the oldest brother was shot in the face at the age of 15-year-old.  My brother did not die; however, at the time I was 14 and today I am 30.  I feel like I lost my brother even though he did not die.  The person I see today is not the person I once knew. Today, it is difficult to see my brother in his condition.  His communication is slurred, and my brother is paralyzed from the waist down.  I've asked God why, but that did me know good.  I truely believe that there is a purpose for all things that happen in life even when we do not understand. I thank God that my brother's life was spared, and although I could complain, hearing you all stories lets me know that things are not always as bad as it may seem.  God bless.  

Corey White, Des Moines, IA (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 3:12 AM)

I lost both of my parents by the time I was four years old.  I struggled through a heart ailment, now repaired.  I lost a child.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a severe bout with post-partum depression.  I don't believe my strength to move forward with my personal life, career, family and faith in myself is any different than anyone else who may have faced such adversities.  Some of us handle things with grace and the desire to view life in a more positive perspective and others with a nasty attitude toward others.  I choose to move on gracefully, which makes me a true survivor!

Carolina Ribera, East Providence, RI (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 4:43 AM)

My father killed my mother when I was 24.  My father took his own life  two years ago.  My 16 year old son died of an overdose of cough syrup (tried to get high by taking a massive dose).  I found him dead when I went to wake him up to go to school.  I have had much tragedy, but I have had many blessings as well.  The older you get, the more you have to endure, but there are always wonderful people, friends and neighbors to help. I am grateful for the time I had with all the important people in my life, and I miss them terribly.  However, my life is not over and I intend to live it to the fullest.  We owe it to ourselves and to our "lost" loved ones.

Aimee G, Jefferson City, TN (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 6:35 AM)

I found out 3 months after my wedding that my ex-wife had been sleeping with her ex-boyfriend before and after the wedding. Naturally it was devastating - however, I chose not to be a victim. I sought support from good friends and good priests and with Daily Mass and all the other Sacraments, I came out a far better person than I was before tragedy struck.

Sam, Stockholm, Sweden. (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 6:46 AM)

I discovered long ago that tragedy makes a difference. I had a sequence of overwhelming tragedies. My church pastor/confessor not only brushed them off but supported claims of my abuse of others. I concluded that the man had no concept of tragedy and subsequently grouped people into those that have had and those that have not had tragedy.  

I can like a person with no tragedy but I can only admire and respect those that have: you earn your rose-colored glasses.  I always wondered why I admnired Joe Biden.  Now I know.

Chuck, Livingston,TX (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 6:52 AM)

When my husband was only 30 years old, he died from Gastric Lymphoma. I was a widow at 29 with a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 month old baby. Two years later, my 23 year old brother died from AIDS and 2 years after that, my grandpa died from a heart attack. The reasons these tremendous losses didn't turn me into a bitter, sad person is because I want my children, who needed me, to be proud of me. I also wanted the family members I lost, to know I didn't give up on the precious lives I was responsible for. I admit there were very low times, times I could have fallen into the abyss of depression and sadness. But all I had to do was remember the people and things I have to be grateful for. Then I was always able to stay positive and be glad I was still alive to enjoy my family and friends.

AJ, Brighton, MI (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 8:36 AM)

Sometimes I think, "what media, newspaper, fund-raising-type thing can I do to make a difference out of my loss,  but I finally realized that my role on Earth is to be the best mother I can be for my 3 boys that lost their father.  They were only 5, 4 and 8  mos, and I KNOW that some day, my boys will show the world they are true worriors!  But first, I have to offer them the roots, the grounds on which to build their foundation....

Krissy, East Falmouth, MA (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 8:42 AM)

I am only 22 and have faced more tragedies then most in a lifetime before I was 10.  In the course of a few months my grandfather passed away of a long term illness, my aunt and basically second mother died of cancer just a month later, my parents got divorced and my house was robbed.  Also many of my classmates parents had passed away and a classmate of ours drowned, all before I was in 4th grade.  Needless to say I spent almost 2 years not as a kid but depressed. I had to be bribed to go to school, I barley ever smiled.  I blocked out 2 years of my life and don’t remember most.  I only remember certain things but don’t know when they happened. My mom has to sit and tell me when certain events happened in my life.  I finally overcame all of this and by middle school was able to be "normal".  My other grandfather then died my 7th grade year to lung cancer.  Most recently I lost my cousin to a drug addiction and a friend within a couple weeks of each other last November.  I have gone through many struggles and hate that, but I have learned to be who I am, and to "keep going" on with life.  I now have this amazing ability to put on a happy face and pretend to be happy, and then go home and lay in bed.  I still have bad days and always will, but Life goes on. I don’t dwell on the small stuff and I know someone else has a worse life then me...that keeps me going.  Someone said what makes Biden special for what he has over come? I agree. I does take a certain type of person to get through this, but just because he could be VP it doesn’t mean he is special and he is the only one.  He isn’t by any means.

Katelynn, Cranbury, NJ (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 9:18 AM)

If I may, I'd like to respond to Chris's question about Biden being remarried 5 yrs later....we all work through our losses in our own ways, and in our own time. I doubt that I'd ever remarry if , God forbid, something happened to my wife, but that would be my choice, my way of dealing with the loss, and is of no concern to Chris, or anyone else. Thanks.

Larry (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 9:23 AM)

18years ago my husband was transporting money into a bank when he was shot in the back during an armed holdup, he survived and ended up a paraplegic, people ask us how we got past the shooting, six months turmoil, twelve years solicitors 'assistance' and we tell them into everyones life a little s#@t must fall. We said this to a lady one day and she asked us how we knew she had terminal cancer, we didn't but that was a humbling experience and in reading the previous comments I know we are not alone, that there are a lot of wonderful people in this world going through some rotten times just like we did. God Bless you one and all!

Gene Bernar, Sydney, NSW, Australia (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 9:34 AM)

I have read each and everyone of these and i like them all but Rita See, is one of the best. Yes, Thank God someone sees THE KENNEDYS, for what the truly are. They have always been my heros and always will.
 But I have lost my MOM, my youngest brother (age 42),my middle Brother (age 52), my son-in-law (age 27)to a horrible drowning accident, My one and only Brother died this past October of a Brain Tumor, and I only had enough time to tell him I loved him,
My Precious husband died on April 8 of 2008 and my Mother-in-law, on March 2.
I have only my precious daughter left and my JESUS.Through it all Jesus has been there for me.
People ask me how do I make it, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
 I have met cousins I didn't know I had and helping older people in this life. Life is so rewarding when we put our trust in Precious Jesus.
I want to meet my Family again and hug them.

Pat Moore Christiansburg,Va (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 9:58 AM)

I found myself in a violent relationship and five years ago escaped with my four boys. After 3 criminal trials, I discovered the justice system is a joke and my ex husband has not been reprimanded in any way. My anger and resentment threatened to do as much harm as my ex husband when I made the conscience decision to get off the pity pot. A request for stories of domestic abuse landed in my email, I wrote mine and it was published. I then went on to become the media  spokesperson for the association, began writing, ended up with my own column, self employed and producing my own publication. Could I have ever imagined that? Not in a million years. I now thank my ex husband for making me push myself harder than I ever thought possible.

Kathy Smith, Alberta Canada (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 10:21 AM)

I lost my parents, and then got a diagnosis of cancer for myself, my husband, and my son -- all different kinds of cancer, all within 1 year.   To quote Paul Thorn (singer,artist):  "When life hits you like a truck, you gotta rise up." And, "Glory Hallelujah, thank you Jesus, praise the Lord, I"M STILL HERE!"
I belive that God lets things happen for a reason, and she never gives you more than you can handle... you just need to do the best you can.

Rita, Louisville, KY (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 10:25 AM)

Chris, just 5 years later?  Can you please tell us what is an acceptable time frame to re-marry, if ever, in your presumptious mind?  Did you ever consider the positive impact have a mother-figure around again would have on his surviving sons?  Can't stand people who judge others based on their own moral or political biases.

Greg, Raleigh, NC (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 10:35 AM)

Among other losses in my life, my fiance passed away unexpectedly right after Christmas.  I found him gray, not breathing and with no heartbeat after leaving him alone for ten minutes.  I think the accumulation of tragedies has made it very difficult for me to overcome this one.  I don't cry all day, but I still cry every day and I'm frequently filled with despair.  I think of the man I love - he was very strong, optimistic and had overcome many obstacles in his own life.  He had come to feel that believing you could achieve your dreams made anything possible.  So, I have his example.  That doesn't mean it's easy to heal or easy to go on when you are shattered by a tragedy.  You don't just shrug things off.  We are all changed forever by our experiences. It means that you have to accept that you are alive.  I have a choice about allowing myself to heal or allowing myself to be broken.  I know my fiance would have want me to go ahead and try to have all the things I deserve in life. I have great admiration for Joe Biden's ability to seek fulfillment in his life after such a tremendous loss.

Diane, NYC (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 11:13 AM)

Also, becoming a Senator wasn't an ego trip. It was his new job which he would need to continue health insurance and general financial support for his injured children.

Terry, Seattle, WA (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 11:28 AM)

I don't care what religion you are, there is one song that will lift you up, just search (You Tube) for Sam Cooke and the Soul Stirrers singing "Nearer to Thee" at the Great 1955 Shrine Concert.  If you are not crying by the end, you are not living.

Jonny D (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 11:28 AM)

We lost our only daughter 11 months ago in a car accident,while she was away in college. She was a light in our lives. When she died our lives changed forever, but we nkow we have to go on.? WHAT HELP US? Our strong faith in our LORD JESUS CHRIST.With God in our lives everything is possible. It's too bad that this country has decided to remove God from everything
.We miss our angel,and we shed tears but in a very peaceful way.we are grieving holding JESUS hand,and promise that we will see our loved ones again .  PROMISE

Loren D,RI (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 12:11 PM)

At age 32, I was sticken with a brain anyurism and nearly died from it.  After 17 days in the hospital, I walked out and put my military career back together and was able to retire four years later.  Nine years later I lost any eye to an accident, which I overcame and am now prominent person in the community helping others who suffer from disabilities to gain benefits from the state and federal governments.  My children and wife were by my side the entire time helping me overcome these trying times.

Steve Bowman, Plattsburgh, NY (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 12:38 PM)

emotional pain is sooo much more painful for me than physical pain.Have had kidney dialysis 1 yr. kidney transplant 1985 from my sister cheryl.Have had numurous skin cancers removed.But the pain when my 32 yr. brother was murdered as an innocent bystander
in a robbery,no physical pain can come close to the pain of losing him this way.But GOD is good all the time,all the time GOD is good.keep yourself moving.

Jake Blasdel Watauga,Texas (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 1:12 PM)

I lost my husband to prostate cancer just over 2 years ago [that feels like a month ago still] and am still trying to 'move on' &  accept his loss. He was a wonderful person; the love of my life with so many attributes, caring for others, his sense of humor, and still giving to others in his final hours through the pain. I know I have a problem, [The Grieving Brain, Newsweek Aug. 4/08] in that I can't stop missing him. I miss laughing and our life we shared for over 20 years. Five lovely grandchildren & their parents are my reason for gratitude and smiles now. Reading all of these messages, or trying to, caused  an overwhelming feeling of depression, choking up and tearful; so many tragedies; so unfair. I am sorry for everyone elses' loss. I had an instant spark of "right on!" when I read messages from people who took time to chastise Chris about the stupid remark about Senator Biden remarrying 5 years later, or the 'ego trip' remark; so ignorant, so arrogant of him and I hope he comes to find out what a senseless remark that was and takes a good look at himself. Thanks to reading this today, I am going to buy the book 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People' so that maybe I can help myself and be the person again my husband would want me to be.  

C. Londres, Cedar Valley, Ontario Can. (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 1:54 PM)

My testimony is surviving breast cancer and a divorce, moving to a new state with my daughter who was 11 at the time and starting over.  My main concern while experiencing Breast Cancer, the fact she was graduating a year later from high school, it wasn't about me and my cancer, it was surviving and being there for her, which I did with great difficulty, I had chemo and radiation and got sick with pneumonia for three months while she was preparing to attend college, knowing she is a beautiful human being and a great person, I never thought about myself, she took me to chemo and went to school, took me to radiations and went to school, she attended her college to register, when she returned I was in the hospital with pnuenomia.  I survive and was strong for her, that experience made us stronger and with God's help I made it.

Angela Davis, Florissant, MO (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 1:58 PM)

My life was great until 10 years into marriage I learned my husband was a serial cheater and had taken our young kids with him to meet women. He cleaned out our savings and there I was with two kids, 3 and 6--we had to sell our home.

A week after my divorce, my daughter was shot in the chest while we were shopping (in a random act of violence) and had serious health problems. She was expected to die, then be paralyzed but she survived. A few months later my dad died. Then my son was diagnosed with autism.

I rallied for a number of years but was diagnosed with bone cancer. Then a brain tumor. I lost my second home to medical bills and diagnoses that were delayed for two years due to assuming my headaches and arm pain were stress.

I had three more tumors removed and am ok now, but depleted my 401, every cent of savings from my house sale, and can't find work in my former field as a writer and editor because I'm now over 50 and had been out of the work force due to illness.

I persevered and did okay with all of this except being denied the opportunity to start over and rebuild. Not in America these days. I have three degrees, good recommendations and years of experience and can't get hired. Computer background checks alert potential employers of my health problems.

I put my oldest through college and she helps support me and I work as a household assistant for a wealthy family who supported the president who made my high medical bills and invasive background checks possible.

I'm Sophia in The Color Purple, only a former private school, upper middle class, white, former class president and former wife of a Tv exec (no alimony due to equal rights.) the difference between those who overcome tragedies and those who don't is:
1. Chronicity--the more chronic the problem, the less likely you'll overcome. Random crises can be managed.

2. Money--it takes money, and a lot if it's a medical crisis that lasts any length of time. Money can also buy you household assistants, personal care attendants and opportunities--not to mention medical treatments unavailable to those with a lower income.

3. Support--from friends, family, employers and coworkers.

Anne B, Minneapolis (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 1:59 PM)

In 1979, I lost my wonderful husband in a plane crash.  We had four young childen, I was a stay at home Mom and had $3000.00 in savings.  I returned to my home in Ohio, from Arizona, and my family embraced myself and my children.  I found a job at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center and, as a benefit, was offered tuition remission, which afforded a college education for my children.  In 1996, my son, was returning to his Coast Guard base when an 18 wheeler smashed into his military vehicle.  I asked God for the strength to bear the unbearable.  My faith, family and friends have seen me through.  I have 2 wonderful grandchildren and will always be grateful for being my husband's wife and my son's mother.

Mary Therese Dixon, Sun City, Arizona (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 2:34 PM)

Ten years ago I tumbled into despair after a divorce that hurt my body and my soul. I tried every possible way imaginable to destroy what little I had left, by abusing my body and my soul with the use of the devils tools.
Six years ago I had a brand new baby boy come into my life!
I would take care of him while his mother worked.
Everyday he would stand up in his crib and say “Gid up Gid up” he was 2 yrs old at the time, he pushed me out bed  to show me how beautiful the world was.

One day while watching PBS I saw a strange bald man talk about how I could intend the life I always wanted.
His name is Wayne Dyer, he taught me how to use the “Power Of Intention” to draw to me anything that I desire.

I have been blessed with financial experiences that are unexplainable.

The most important thin that he taught me was that the universe is abundant and by giving away you are really opening the doors to receive more!

My 6 yr old precious little baby boy taught me how to love myself.
Wayne Dyer taught me how to give away the things that I do not need and that taught me to gain more; more to give away!

For those that are finacially trapped this is for you:
Four years ago I had no car, no money broke beyond imagination and now I have a 15 million dollar shopping center that I really don’t care about…

For those that are in pain from loosing a child this is for you:
I am 49 years old I was 43 when my son was born I never ever thought I would have a child.
Please give yourself the hope that just maybe there is a child waiting for you to ask them to show up in your life so that they can teach you like mine did me!

The most important thing in my life is being a Daddy to my little teacher for as long as God allows me!

http://www.hayhouse.com/details.php?ref=89&id=2652

Terry W Phoenix Arizona (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 3:19 PM)

I would also like to add to the rest of the messages that mental abuse  is no picnic either when you live with it in your home everyday. It can destroy your life and your future if you let it.  At the same time create self hatred.  I say too, don't be a victim, take back all of your power, even when you feel like the world is on your shoulders.  Remember that hope is a good thing and that this too shall pass.

Denise M, Pompano Beach, FLorida (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 3:37 PM)

Losses are a part of life.  Everyone has had them.  I had a miscarriage, dealt with an alcoholic husband who eventually found sobriety only to die of AIDS (only then discovering that he was bisexual), have lost two aunts, two uncles, both my in-laws, a sis-in-law and a bro-in-law.  I ordered three sets of sympathy flowers in the last week.  When I was young I saw myself as a victim.  However, after some group therapy to help me deal with the alcoholic husband, I realized that we can either see ourselves as victims or see ourselves as survivors.  We can take charge of our lives or let life overwhelm us.  The Serenity Prayer helps me sort out what is my responsibilty from everyone else's.  I believe that my new positive attitude helped me through the losses.  The loss of my husband was probably the most devastating to me, we had been together 23 years.  But, as one therapist said after I lost my husband, "You are a happy person who has had a sad event happen."  I never ever thought I would not get through the grief.  Each person takes the time that they need and everyone grieves in their own way.  I personally found my work as a teacher very, very centering.  It gave me something else to focus on other than my grief.  Moving back into life does not mean forgetting the ones we have lost.  I have since remarried and I believe that my first husband would have wanted me to be happy.  I also believe those who survive their losses eventually become the strongest, happiest, most resilient people.

Elaine B, Port Angeles, WA (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 5:58 PM)

Family and friends have often asked me how do I do it? How do I go on day after day? We've all experienced losses in one way or another and at 55 years old now, mine sound very similar beginning with my first baby girl being stillborn. I have my faith, family and good friends but basically I just try to get thru one day at a time.I try not to have tunnel vision or try to think ahead too much. Enjoy today, today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I know it may seem easier said than done and I don't claim to have all the answers but it has helped me get thru some pretty traumatic times.

Cathy L. Karaffa, Independence, OH (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 8:52 PM)

My son Reese was born 14 weeks premature at just 2 pounds. He had a severe brain bleed and seizures shortly after birth. Although he was not expected to live, he did for 13 1/2 years and had multiple special needs. I didn't expect to be a mom of a child who was blind and in a wheelchair but that is what I was given. I began volunteering at a local hospital and realized what a blessing it was for me to go home every day Reese was in the hopsital and regroup. I met families who did not live near the hospital and were sleeping in their cars to be near their hospitalized child. From those experiences, I started the Ronald McDonald House in Pasadena. As the Director, I am able to help other families who are going through similar situations and even assist those facing the death of their child. I felt I have been called to open this House and serve families and that Reese picked ME out of everyone to be his Mom and help others. His short life has had such an impact and will leave a permanent mark on my heart and on our community. I am very proud of him and try every day to honor him with my work.  

Marchelle Sellers, Pasadena, California (Sent Wednesday, August 27, 2008 11:27 PM)

I believe that many of us live our lives thinking that there are a certain set of rules or assumptions we must follow, not believing that we do have choices.  Winget is partially right- things happen because they happen.  Sometimes, though, things happen because we believe that there are no alternatives, and we follow a path that places us in the way.  When a tragedy happens in our lives, we do have many new choices.  I was in a car accident that damaged my spinal cord when I was 21- many years ago, leaving me paralyzed from the waist down. I use a wheelchair.  In the hospital. I learned to dress, bathe, and drive a car again.  Very early I began understanding that the 'rules' were slightly different, and I had a chance to make changes.  Most of the time, people will listen to you if you push for positive change.  When I got out of the hospital, I was so frustrated with the lack of access for those using wheelchairs, that I got involved with a group of other young people, in pushing for parking spaces, ramps and elevators.  Within 2 years, the laws began changing all over the country.  In all of the areas in my life, I have taken the opportunity to devote passion and caring.  In family, work, friends, community volunteering, church- all of it.  Sometimes there are challenges and barriers, but we have the choice to go around them over them or through them.  

Angela, Bel Air, MD (Sent Thursday, August 28, 2008 8:21 AM)

Thirty five years ago I lost my first wife one week after we were married.  The only thing that helped me get through that tragedy was my one week old daughter who was robbed of the love of her mother by a drunk driver.  Fourteen years later I celebrated the graduation of my beautiful daughter from the 8th grade and no one could have been more proud that she had straight a's, and was voted most likely to succeed by her young classmates.  Less than ten days late I lost my daughter, when one of my best friends driving drunk hit the car in which she was riding head on.  I can remember going to the jail to visit that friend...why I have no idea...but I just had to.  I could remember his request asking me to kill him...like he had killed my daughter.  I told him that day I was not going to let him get off that easy, that if nothing else came from his actions, it would be that for the remainder of his life he would have to remember what he had done.  It took a long time, but I have forgiven the two people who have wreaked such havoc on my life.  but more important I have used my experience to find a rewarding path for my own life working with people with disabilities.  Nothing can change the past, but I like to think that every time I help someone there are two of my biggest fans up in heaven smiling.

Donald Mitchell, Kankakee IL (Sent Thursday, August 28, 2008 9:41 AM)



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